Looking Back

There are only 5 days left of the year 2020. A lot has changed and happened in the last 360 days. I think back to this time last year and I am just like..”Wow!”

Last year at this time I was homeless, living in a shelter through the organization that I had my care/case manager through. I was less than a month out of the hospital from a very serious, near death, suicide attempt. I was severely depressed, struggling to live each day, not knowing where I was going to end up over the next few months. I didn’t think I was going to make it to my 30th birthday in January. My anxiety was terrible, my PTSD was terrible, multiple other mental illnesses were weighing heavily on me and I didn’t think there was any hope. I tried to put on a good face though but was so deep in a hole and struggling. 

So much has changed in the last year though.

I went from being homeless, stressed about where I was going to be living to getting my very own place. Just me and my cat, no roommates for the first time. I was scared about this. Happy to be back with my cat that a friend had been watching but so scared to be going into my own place, all by myself. Sounds silly as a 30 yr old but I was. Now, I can’t imagine going back to having a roommate! I found the perfect place and over time I have made it into the best bachelor pad I could imagine. It is the first place I have lived that I truly love and feel at home in. I’m not worried about roommates or landlords, I might have some unusual neighbors but that I can deal with. For once I am proud when people come by and see my place. I am ever so thankful and happy with my home.

After moving in March, a lot started happening with the pandemic, COVID19, hitting and things shutting down, masks started to be required, everyone was anxious and weird and moody, my different appointments went virtual. Life was throwing us all so many things at once. My already existing and worsening social anxiety definitely spiked with everything. However, with all the craziness with the pandemic, and the social unrest that was also happening in the country, I actually grew and really started my journey to where I am today.

For me, 2020 brought a bit of a fresh start. Not only with moving to my own place but also my mental health. From this time last year, the beginning of 2020, to now has almost been a complete and total change- for the better! My disability got approved, which as much as I miss working and hate admitting I am on disability, it is what was needed then and still needed for the time being. It has given me a steady income compared to when my finances were troubled due to getting hospitalized and being in and out of work due to mental health (80+ hour work weeks will literally make you go insane). 

With a stable home and finances, I was able to focus on my mental health. I needed to. I knew I wasn’t going to survive continuing on the path I was. Being in such a deep, dark hole sucked. I really started to put in the work to get better. I didn’t want to, there were a lot of moments where I still wanted to give up but I knew those were the moments that I had to step up even more for myself and make the commitment to making my life better even more. I took worksheets and workbooks that I’d gotten from different mental health hospitalizations and went to work on them. I created my own worksheets, I journaled, created a bullet journal, working on the positivity, thankfulness and gratitude. I created vision boards, I put in more work between therapy sessions than I ever had before, working on the negative cognitions and rewiring my brain. I made and continue to make lifestyle adjustments. I did a lot, and still continue to as I have to keep up because the work for mental wellness just doesn’t end for someone like me (that itself was a huge learning experience in my mental wellness, radical acceptance of this lifelong journey). I know I still have work to do, I know I will always have to work and work harder than others to be okay and I am okay (for the most part) with that. I look back from where I am now and this time last year and I am amazed and blown away and also thankful that I’ve managed to improve when 2020 could be described as a “dumpster fire” for many.

A huge, more recent change brought on this year was my Gender Confirmation Top Surgery. Had someone told me last year at this time that I’d be healing from top surgery in a year I would have laughed at them, asked them in what universe and that it would probably never happen for me. I would have been so wrong. I am so thankful that I pushed on, worked hard and got to the point to where I was able to get top surgery as it was very needed. I still have a long way to go with my self-love and acceptance journey but I am working on it and having surgery was a wonderful part of it! I am looking forward to a year from now and seeing how much, even from now, my amazing, new, manly chest is!

There have been so many other things this year that I am thankful for experiencing. I’ve met new people, bonded more with people I have known, tried and experienced different things, seen new places, learned more, been able to help others just like others have helped me. I even recently got discharged from the mental health organization that I had my care/case manager through so I no longer have that, such positive growth! I have grown in so many ways over the past year and I wouldn’t really change much of it. I’d have liked for the world to not be experiencing the pandemic, social, and political unrest and be under a lot of different stress. But, for me, I am glad to have kept on pushing to experience another year in my life that I have been able to learn and grow from. 

I am unsure what the next year has in store and I’m not about to jinx anything by guessing. However, I’ll continue to be thankful that I am still around to experience life. This time last year I didn’t think I was going to make it to be 30 years old. I still think how I have lived with the fear of not making it past 30. I am not 31 yet but I at least know that I’m able to live and be thankful for life. I am able to make changes and improve things for myself with hard work and determination. Should my fear come true, should I not see 31, I’d want everyone to know that life is worth it. Life is so worth it. I am happier than I ever have been and wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t pushed on last year and all of this year.