First Month Frustrations! Come on 2021!!!

I have been going through a lot since this year began. As overwhelming, painful and confusing the first 28 days of 2021 have been, I don’t know if I would necessarily change things. I know that in life, you’ll experience moments that aren’t the best but they let you experience moments that are great and truly appreciate those moments as well.

I’m not even sure where to begin. Love would be a good start I suppose. I have spent the better part of the last two years falling more and more in love with someone that will always hold a super special place in my heart. There were moments in those two years where I downplayed my feelings, backed away, because my feelings were so strong. Maybe it was wrong of me to pursue any type of relationship with this person because they had things in their life happening and also had another person in their life. But, things happen. Love happens. Emotions take over and lead to multiple things. I don't regret our passion and love. There is still part of me that truly believes that fate has more in store for this person and I but, for now, that can’t be. So, now it is dealing with the grief, the loss of someone my heart cares about and loves so much. They are a rabbit hole to me, a black hole I get sucked into, a gravitational force that has such a pull on me that if I were to even say “hi” to them, I’d be flooded with emotions and a love I will never be able to deny. It truly hurts and, to be blunt, sucks, going through this, losing a person in any way that you love so much. 

I’m also struggling some with my mental health in general. I do know that it is normal- there are going to be times where the mental health struggle increases from time to time. I know that I am one that will always, for the rest of my life, have to work harder to maintain my mental wellness. I am having an uptick in my depression, my Borderline Personality Disorder is having a flare-up of sorts and I am fighting the cognitive distortions that come along with that. And, something my therapist and I have coined as, “my annoying neighbor, knocking on my door”, the suicidal ideation and self-harming thoughts and urges and images have been flooding me. They are knocking on my door and I have to try really hard to ignore them and not answer that door. I know some of this is related to my trouble with love this past month, but also, this is part of my life with mental illness.

Other things are starting to catch up with me. Yes, I have so many things to be thankful for in life and I am. I have my beautiful and amazing cat, a wonderful place to live, friends and some family that mean the world to me, supportive people in my life like my amazing therapist, I have a steady income, I am at a good place in life for the most part. There really are so many things to be grateful for right now. But, I am getting worn down by this ongoing pandemic, COVID19, that’s impacting the world and everyone right now. I wear a mask if I go out but they are triggering, bring on flashbacks and anxiety from my C-PTSD. I am getting annoyed with virtual appointments. On one hand they can be good but I really miss going to my in-person therapy. I don’t even know how many times my therapist and I were interrupted this week within the portal of our virtual therapy session, having to reload multiple times. I just want to be able to goback to reguar therapy all the time. However, my social anxiety has gotten pretty rough where it is difficult to even go to the grocery store. I want to be able to see friends and family and travel without worries or restrictions or having to quarantine. Life is just getting to be frustrating because of world events. I won't even start on the political aspects and other triggering soical delimas.

Not to complain further but I am struggling to maintain an appetite. Nightmares plague my sleep if I can sleep and my brain isn’t a scrambled, jumbled up mess of scrambled, jumbled up thoughts. I am disassociating more again. I am having dysphoria and struggling with being Transgender- that is another blog entry in itself, there are a lot of different things associated with that. I really am just struggling and having a hard time.

I really am hoping I can overcome this hurdle…all these hurdles I am facing. It has been a bit of a rough start to 2021. I know that winter, the increase in depression within the season and February being a difficult time of the year, plays a role. I am trying to remind myself that so far my track record for succeeding when I’ve struggled is 100% or else I wouldn’t be here today. So, I can find comfort in the fact I’ve won this fight before. There might be hiccups, maybe things aren’t off to the best start but I am hoping that January has just been a trial, a test for the year, and things will only get better. 

Gender Confirmation Top Surgery: The Journey: 1 Month Post-Op

The 1st day of 2021 marked a month since my Gender Confirmation Top Surgery and I am so happy about that! I am a few days late posting this blog entry for the 1 month mark!

To start a brand new year off with a new, masculine chest puts a smile on my face. A year ago I never thought I’d be where I am, at this moment in time. I didn’t really think I’d be on this earth still due to poor mental health and certainly not having had top surgery a month prior! I am so grateful to be here today and to have gone through everything to get me to this point. My mental health is at the best isn’t been and again- top surgery!

I have another follow up appointment on January 7th. My previous appointment was on December 24th. Everything seems to be looking great. I went from having to have the surgical vest/binder on for 24hrs a day to 12. However, I do wear it longer than the 12 because it adds support to the healing process. It is freeing to get out of the vest, especially at night which is when I typically take it off. But, I feel as if in another week or so it’ll be better to be off more compared to now. I’m still not cleared for exercise but if I stretch or bend, it feels better with the vest on than without. My chest still has a tender feel to it, like it is still pulling too much when I move around too much like the muscles and skin and fat are all still healing together and need to get stronger. I know that will improve though as it already is.

There is still swelling going on which is normal. I’ve had some “freak outs” on my own due to the swelling and feeling as if that gives my chest a feminine look to it. But, through reading more information and comparing photos and using a rational mind, I know that complete swelling can take 3 months or more post-op to go down all the way. The swelling has even gone down from one of the times I had a little melt down.

Having my new chest is still an adjustment. I definitely need to lose some weight and my belly now makes me feel a lot more self conscious than before. But having a flatter chest makes me feel amazing. When I’m able to just put on a shirt and not have “lumps” underneath or articles of clothing under my shirt is such a freeing, amazing feel that brings me so much joy.

I’m unsure what the next follow up appointments will consist of, the stiches are the dissolvable kind so I believe they’re more to make sure the healing is going well in general.

Here’s to a month post-op and a brand new year!