Gender Confirmation Top Surgery: The Journey: Part One: Pre- Surgery

One of the biggest moments in my life so far is going to be happening in just a few days. On December 1st, 2020, I am getting Gender Confirmation Top Surgery.

I am Transgender. I came out to everyone, officially in January of 2016 although I really knew way before then but tried to always be what everyone else wanted to be, or I thought they wanted me to be. I had already started to go as Dakota beforehand though. I’ve sort of had a different “coming out” journey than some in that aspect. I was on testosterone for a little while but had to stop for health related reasons but I am hoping that maybe after top surgery I can possibly pursue starting that back up.

Getting top surgery is one thing that I knew that I wanted from the very beginning. Having a larger chest has always been a barrier for me when it has come to “passing” as male. I am sure other things like my voice and such has too but the chest has been a huge part of my dysphoria more than anything else. I have always been worried that I wouldn’t ever be able to get top surgery. Between the cost, health insurance, my mental health stability, health requirements, surgeon options, and so many other factors.

It is happening though! December 1st, just three days away! I am excited, so excited, but also getting anxious. It especially comes in waves at night as I am getting ready for bed- this is really happening! It feels so surreal. My brain goes: “Am I sure this is really happening? Yes, it is. Wow, I never thought this would happen but it is. Just a month away, a few weeks, 2 weeks away, 1 week, a few days away. This is amazing.” I am so excited and happy. 

I am also getting more and more anxious but I know that is normal and I know the thoughts that pop up are just the anxiety taking over. I worry about complications happening during surgery, my brain starts going in the opposite direction: “What if I do not making it through surgery, what if I regret it, what if I don’t like the results, what if something happens after?” But, like I said, I know it is just the anxiety and that is normal. 

I spent time last night making lists of things I need to pack as I will be staying at my Gramma Mary’s place for a week while I recover. I made a list of things I need to get for when I am recovering, a list of things I need to do before surgery. I need to be prepared for big things like this. To be able to write those lists, to type this up, makes it all so real. I wanted a way to remember and record the experience and I figured my blog would be a perfect spot.

My Gender Confirmation Top Surgery Journey began back in August/September. I finally realized I needed to at least make a consult appointment for Top Surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. It is something I needed to do. Through a group I participate in, I had some names for some surgeons and made some calls. I got my first consult scheduled for October 13th, 2020. I thought that was a perfect day, meant to be as it would have been my Gramma’s 90th Birthday were she still around. A good sign. In the meantime, prior to the consult I met with my therapist and also had some sessions with another psychologist for the letters my insurance company would need to be approved for top surgery. I had my consult and it went well, I liked the surgeon and besides waiting for insurance approval and medical clearance I was approved with the surgeon so then it was just waiting for insurance approval. On October 26th I got my letter from my insurance approving me for surgery! I was so happy to read that letter! The next day, on October 27th I received a call from the surgeons office for my surgery date of December 1st and the pre-op appointment with the surgeon on November 19th. It was happening! Every step brought it closer and closer to a reality! I had a quick phone interview with the hospital I would be having my surgery at on the 18th for my health history and such and instructions from them. I had my medical clearance appointment with my primary care provider on November 20th which is when I was able to tell everyone that my surgery was happening. I was afraid of jinxing myself by saying anything too soon! Then, yesterday, on November 27th I got my pre-op COVID19 testing done. I was one of the “lucky” ones and get the brain tickling test in both nose nostrils! I hope I don’t have to do that again! Now, I am just getting the final, at home prep done and looking forward to November 30th when I call the hospital for the surgery time and when I need to arrive at the hospital and then December 1st: Surgery. It has all happened relatively fast!

This is happening! Yay! 

 

Work! Effort! Do The WORK, Put In The EFFORT!

I have really come to learn something over the past year, even moreso over the past few months… if one is ever going to even come close to conquering mental illness and get to a better place with their mental health it is themselves that really have to put in the work and effort. Therapists and Psychiatrist can give you guidance and support, medicine and try to teach you coping skills but unless you are willing to do the work outside each session, you are going to be kept in a continuous cycle of defeat.

Yesterday and last night I had a particularly hard time with my mental health and wellbeing and it continued onto this morning. But, I have been doing what I can to overcome the struggle I am in at the moment and come up on top. I could have focused on the strong negative thoughts and urges for self harm I was having or the thoughts and urges of finding a tall structure to launch myself off of but I really tried to just fight those off. I ended up just trying to get to sleep last night even though my body was fighting that. I wanted to scream and freak out over “nothing” but tried to remain calm, take deep breaths, center myself and focus on the fact that I was having a difficult time at that moment but the next day could bring a better day and I could try my best to focus on making it to bed and into a bright new day and new start, new opportunity. I woke up still struggling but pushed myself to get out of bed, ready for the day, open up my curtains, to get something to eat and do some journaling to help with my mental health. I focused on things that would help bring me a bit of happiness and not that I was struggling.

I am doing okay this evening. I’m not exactly in the spot that I want my mental wellbeing to be in but I am trying and that is what counts so much. I could easily just “give up” and resign myself to the fact that “I have a mental illness and that is never going to change, I am never going to be okay” but I am not doing that. I have done that. I spent way too long thinking I was never going to be okay, that I was too damaged, that I was too broken and messed up. That there was no help or hope for me. That no provider could help me. That nothing could help me. But, I was wrong. Yes, there are still days and times where my go to of “I’m broken, messed up, hopeless…” creep up and try to consume me. There are days that I really struggle and have multiple posts on my blog as evidence.You would almost thing two different people write these blogs sometimes when you look through them. There are days where I believe all the negative things my brain has told me over the years. I will think that nobody can help me. However, none of that is true. I have found that out only because I have put in the work. I have had people and providers assist along the way with guidance, helping me learn skills to cope, guiding me into a better way of life.

I do different journaling now. One is a bullet type journal I came up with that I do in the morning to set the tone for the day and hopefully start the day with some positivity and appreciation. I also do the bullet journal at night to wrap up the day on a positive note and hopefully bring that into the night for a bright new day to come. I also use DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) skills and a DBT Diary I have made on my own to help me when I am struggling. I created it based on a psychiatric hospitals and ones I found online. I did that, I put the work into that to help me better myself. I learned that I have to take a break from social media and the news. Every day I wake up and part of getting ready is making my bed as I know that helps with my mental wellbeing. If I am struggling more I will seek out some worksheets to do that help me process what mental health issue I am facing. I will do my creative arts like my new digital art, my writing or find something else that will help my creative side as I know that helps boost my mental wellbeing. I have been watching certain tv shows as I know they make me happy. I have reached out and asked for help when I have needed that extra support from providers. I have gone to bed early on days I may be struggling because HALT (Hunger, Anger, Loneliness, Tiredness) is something that people overlook too often if they are having a tough moment and I have learned to look for those core things. I have also learned to catch those negative cognitions I may have and redirect and make them more accurate which is actually pretty huge in itself.

That is what I do and I am sure there is more. I can’t take all the credit because it is my amazing therapist who has helped me get to the point where I am finally, naturally using all the things that surround me to help myself. But, the key is that I am putting fourth the effort every day to be okay, to be a better person, to get to where I want to be in life, to break the mental health cycle I have been in. Nobody else can put fourth that effort. They can be there for you, keep you safe, support you, guide you, give you advice but YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN DO THE WORK AND PUT IN THE EFFORT!

It isn’t always easy doing the work. There are days I want to give in, wish I didn’t have to put so much effort into being okay when it seems others don’t have to as much. And, as much as that may be true, it is also something I am coming to accept and be okay with. There are moments and days where I do slack off, knowingly or not but it is important to come back and retry. It isn’t always fun having to put in so much effort just to be okay and be stable when it comes to mental health but it is worth it. You are worth it, life is worth it. PUT IN YOUR WORK FOR A BETTER YOU AND A BETTER LIFE!