One of the biggest moments in my life so far is going to be happening in just a few days. On December 1st, 2020, I am getting Gender Confirmation Top Surgery.
I am Transgender. I came out to everyone, officially in January of 2016 although I really knew way before then but tried to always be what everyone else wanted to be, or I thought they wanted me to be. I had already started to go as Dakota beforehand though. I’ve sort of had a different “coming out” journey than some in that aspect. I was on testosterone for a little while but had to stop for health related reasons but I am hoping that maybe after top surgery I can possibly pursue starting that back up.
Getting top surgery is one thing that I knew that I wanted from the very beginning. Having a larger chest has always been a barrier for me when it has come to “passing” as male. I am sure other things like my voice and such has too but the chest has been a huge part of my dysphoria more than anything else. I have always been worried that I wouldn’t ever be able to get top surgery. Between the cost, health insurance, my mental health stability, health requirements, surgeon options, and so many other factors.
It is happening though! December 1st, just three days away! I am excited, so excited, but also getting anxious. It especially comes in waves at night as I am getting ready for bed- this is really happening! It feels so surreal. My brain goes: “Am I sure this is really happening? Yes, it is. Wow, I never thought this would happen but it is. Just a month away, a few weeks, 2 weeks away, 1 week, a few days away. This is amazing.” I am so excited and happy.
I am also getting more and more anxious but I know that is normal and I know the thoughts that pop up are just the anxiety taking over. I worry about complications happening during surgery, my brain starts going in the opposite direction: “What if I do not making it through surgery, what if I regret it, what if I don’t like the results, what if something happens after?” But, like I said, I know it is just the anxiety and that is normal.
I spent time last night making lists of things I need to pack as I will be staying at my Gramma Mary’s place for a week while I recover. I made a list of things I need to get for when I am recovering, a list of things I need to do before surgery. I need to be prepared for big things like this. To be able to write those lists, to type this up, makes it all so real. I wanted a way to remember and record the experience and I figured my blog would be a perfect spot.
My Gender Confirmation Top Surgery Journey began back in August/September. I finally realized I needed to at least make a consult appointment for Top Surgery. I couldn’t wait any more. It is something I needed to do. Through a group I participate in, I had some names for some surgeons and made some calls. I got my first consult scheduled for October 13th, 2020. I thought that was a perfect day, meant to be as it would have been my Gramma’s 90th Birthday were she still around. A good sign. In the meantime, prior to the consult I met with my therapist and also had some sessions with another psychologist for the letters my insurance company would need to be approved for top surgery. I had my consult and it went well, I liked the surgeon and besides waiting for insurance approval and medical clearance I was approved with the surgeon so then it was just waiting for insurance approval. On October 26th I got my letter from my insurance approving me for surgery! I was so happy to read that letter! The next day, on October 27th I received a call from the surgeons office for my surgery date of December 1st and the pre-op appointment with the surgeon on November 19th. It was happening! Every step brought it closer and closer to a reality! I had a quick phone interview with the hospital I would be having my surgery at on the 18th for my health history and such and instructions from them. I had my medical clearance appointment with my primary care provider on November 20th which is when I was able to tell everyone that my surgery was happening. I was afraid of jinxing myself by saying anything too soon! Then, yesterday, on November 27th I got my pre-op COVID19 testing done. I was one of the “lucky” ones and get the brain tickling test in both nose nostrils! I hope I don’t have to do that again! Now, I am just getting the final, at home prep done and looking forward to November 30th when I call the hospital for the surgery time and when I need to arrive at the hospital and then December 1st: Surgery. It has all happened relatively fast!
This is happening! Yay!
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