The chances that someone really reads this is slim but I haven't done a blog entry in forever and this is the powerful, emotional stuff that I want to get out...
I've been struggling some lately, I mean, who hasn't?! Even the seemingly most "put together" people have been impacted as the world has been impacted by a pandemic for the last year and it still continues to be. A pandemic on top of general life stressors and changes, already present struggles, mental health, physical health, life's ups and downs... It all adds up and effects us all in one way or another.
Not only is it the 15th anniversary of my Gramma's passing (and everything tied to her) but there have also been other losses, triggers, and struggles lately. I've been dealing with some personal crises. As someone who already lives with mulitiple mental illnesses, I feel so close to the edge, a gentle breeze could easily send me tumbling over that edge.
But, as much as a dark cloud hangs over me- I am still here. I woke up today. I opened my curtains and let the light from the world in. I can see the beauty in the cold, damp, snow. I have my amazing kitty that helps me stay alive every day and always puts a smile on my face. I'm thankful for my friends, loved ones, and others that support me, love and and are there for me. I'll be cooking up a brownie mix sometime today as a positive way to remember my Gramma.
Honestly... life is hard. Shitty. Unfair. Cruel. Disappointing. But... it can also be really good. Amazing. Beautiful. Joyous. Surprising. It may be difficult but we must find a balance of both the negatives and positives of life.
Just like the world is always working on that balance, I am working on my balance today and hope that my Gramma, wherever her soul may be, can see that I am trying. I know I haven't always made the best decisions, have struggled, but I am still working on making her proud of who I am. And look: I ended up with a piece of writing to share today!
I love you Gramma. Forever and for always, gone but never forgotten. 10/13/1930- 2/19/2006
I have been going through a lot since this year began. As overwhelming, painful and confusing the first 28 days of 2021 have been, I don’t know if I would necessarily change things. I know that in life, you’ll experience moments that aren’t the best but they let you experience moments that are great and truly appreciate those moments as well.
I’m not even sure where to begin. Love would be a good start I suppose. I have spent the better part of the last two years falling more and more in love with someone that will always hold a super special place in my heart. There were moments in those two years where I downplayed my feelings, backed away, because my feelings were so strong. Maybe it was wrong of me to pursue any type of relationship with this person because they had things in their life happening and also had another person in their life. But, things happen. Love happens. Emotions take over and lead to multiple things. I don't regret our passion and love. There is still part of me that truly believes that fate has more in store for this person and I but, for now, that can’t be. So, now it is dealing with the grief, the loss of someone my heart cares about and loves so much. They are a rabbit hole to me, a black hole I get sucked into, a gravitational force that has such a pull on me that if I were to even say “hi” to them, I’d be flooded with emotions and a love I will never be able to deny. It truly hurts and, to be blunt, sucks, going through this, losing a person in any way that you love so much.
I’m also struggling some with my mental health in general. I do know that it is normal- there are going to be times where the mental health struggle increases from time to time. I know that I am one that will always, for the rest of my life, have to work harder to maintain my mental wellness. I am having an uptick in my depression, my Borderline Personality Disorder is having a flare-up of sorts and I am fighting the cognitive distortions that come along with that. And, something my therapist and I have coined as, “my annoying neighbor, knocking on my door”, the suicidal ideation and self-harming thoughts and urges and images have been flooding me. They are knocking on my door and I have to try really hard to ignore them and not answer that door. I know some of this is related to my trouble with love this past month, but also, this is part of my life with mental illness.
Other things are starting to catch up with me. Yes, I have so many things to be thankful for in life and I am. I have my beautiful and amazing cat, a wonderful place to live, friends and some family that mean the world to me, supportive people in my life like my amazing therapist, I have a steady income, I am at a good place in life for the most part. There really are so many things to be grateful for right now. But, I am getting worn down by this ongoing pandemic, COVID19, that’s impacting the world and everyone right now. I wear a mask if I go out but they are triggering, bring on flashbacks and anxiety from my C-PTSD. I am getting annoyed with virtual appointments. On one hand they can be good but I really miss going to my in-person therapy. I don’t even know how many times my therapist and I were interrupted this week within the portal of our virtual therapy session, having to reload multiple times. I just want to be able to goback to reguar therapy all the time. However, my social anxiety has gotten pretty rough where it is difficult to even go to the grocery store. I want to be able to see friends and family and travel without worries or restrictions or having to quarantine. Life is just getting to be frustrating because of world events. I won't even start on the political aspects and other triggering soical delimas.
Not to complain further but I am struggling to maintain an appetite. Nightmares plague my sleep if I can sleep and my brain isn’t a scrambled, jumbled up mess of scrambled, jumbled up thoughts. I am disassociating more again. I am having dysphoria and struggling with being Transgender- that is another blog entry in itself, there are a lot of different things associated with that. I really am just struggling and having a hard time.
I really am hoping I can overcome this hurdle…all these hurdles I am facing. It has been a bit of a rough start to 2021. I know that winter, the increase in depression within the season and February being a difficult time of the year, plays a role. I am trying to remind myself that so far my track record for succeeding when I’ve struggled is 100% or else I wouldn’t be here today. So, I can find comfort in the fact I’ve won this fight before. There might be hiccups, maybe things aren’t off to the best start but I am hoping that January has just been a trial, a test for the year, and things will only get better.
The 1st day of 2021 marked a month since my Gender Confirmation Top Surgery and I am so happy about that! I am a few days late posting this blog entry for the 1 month mark!
To start a brand new year off with a new, masculine chest puts a smile on my face. A year ago I never thought I’d be where I am, at this moment in time. I didn’t really think I’d be on this earth still due to poor mental health and certainly not having had top surgery a month prior! I am so grateful to be here today and to have gone through everything to get me to this point. My mental health is at the best isn’t been and again- top surgery!
I have another follow up appointment on January 7th. My previous appointment was on December 24th. Everything seems to be looking great. I went from having to have the surgical vest/binder on for 24hrs a day to 12. However, I do wear it longer than the 12 because it adds support to the healing process. It is freeing to get out of the vest, especially at night which is when I typically take it off. But, I feel as if in another week or so it’ll be better to be off more compared to now. I’m still not cleared for exercise but if I stretch or bend, it feels better with the vest on than without. My chest still has a tender feel to it, like it is still pulling too much when I move around too much like the muscles and skin and fat are all still healing together and need to get stronger. I know that will improve though as it already is.
There is still swelling going on which is normal. I’ve had some “freak outs” on my own due to the swelling and feeling as if that gives my chest a feminine look to it. But, through reading more information and comparing photos and using a rational mind, I know that complete swelling can take 3 months or more post-op to go down all the way. The swelling has even gone down from one of the times I had a little melt down.
Having my new chest is still an adjustment. I definitely need to lose some weight and my belly now makes me feel a lot more self conscious than before. But having a flatter chest makes me feel amazing. When I’m able to just put on a shirt and not have “lumps” underneath or articles of clothing under my shirt is such a freeing, amazing feel that brings me so much joy.
I’m unsure what the next follow up appointments will consist of, the stiches are the dissolvable kind so I believe they’re more to make sure the healing is going well in general.
Here’s to a month post-op and a brand new year!
There are only 5 days left of the year 2020. A lot has changed and happened in the last 360 days. I think back to this time last year and I am just like..”Wow!”
Last year at this time I was homeless, living in a shelter through the organization that I had my care/case manager through. I was less than a month out of the hospital from a very serious, near death, suicide attempt. I was severely depressed, struggling to live each day, not knowing where I was going to end up over the next few months. I didn’t think I was going to make it to my 30th birthday in January. My anxiety was terrible, my PTSD was terrible, multiple other mental illnesses were weighing heavily on me and I didn’t think there was any hope. I tried to put on a good face though but was so deep in a hole and struggling.
So much has changed in the last year though.
I went from being homeless, stressed about where I was going to be living to getting my very own place. Just me and my cat, no roommates for the first time. I was scared about this. Happy to be back with my cat that a friend had been watching but so scared to be going into my own place, all by myself. Sounds silly as a 30 yr old but I was. Now, I can’t imagine going back to having a roommate! I found the perfect place and over time I have made it into the best bachelor pad I could imagine. It is the first place I have lived that I truly love and feel at home in. I’m not worried about roommates or landlords, I might have some unusual neighbors but that I can deal with. For once I am proud when people come by and see my place. I am ever so thankful and happy with my home.
After moving in March, a lot started happening with the pandemic, COVID19, hitting and things shutting down, masks started to be required, everyone was anxious and weird and moody, my different appointments went virtual. Life was throwing us all so many things at once. My already existing and worsening social anxiety definitely spiked with everything. However, with all the craziness with the pandemic, and the social unrest that was also happening in the country, I actually grew and really started my journey to where I am today.
For me, 2020 brought a bit of a fresh start. Not only with moving to my own place but also my mental health. From this time last year, the beginning of 2020, to now has almost been a complete and total change- for the better! My disability got approved, which as much as I miss working and hate admitting I am on disability, it is what was needed then and still needed for the time being. It has given me a steady income compared to when my finances were troubled due to getting hospitalized and being in and out of work due to mental health (80+ hour work weeks will literally make you go insane).
With a stable home and finances, I was able to focus on my mental health. I needed to. I knew I wasn’t going to survive continuing on the path I was. Being in such a deep, dark hole sucked. I really started to put in the work to get better. I didn’t want to, there were a lot of moments where I still wanted to give up but I knew those were the moments that I had to step up even more for myself and make the commitment to making my life better even more. I took worksheets and workbooks that I’d gotten from different mental health hospitalizations and went to work on them. I created my own worksheets, I journaled, created a bullet journal, working on the positivity, thankfulness and gratitude. I created vision boards, I put in more work between therapy sessions than I ever had before, working on the negative cognitions and rewiring my brain. I made and continue to make lifestyle adjustments. I did a lot, and still continue to as I have to keep up because the work for mental wellness just doesn’t end for someone like me (that itself was a huge learning experience in my mental wellness, radical acceptance of this lifelong journey). I know I still have work to do, I know I will always have to work and work harder than others to be okay and I am okay (for the most part) with that. I look back from where I am now and this time last year and I am amazed and blown away and also thankful that I’ve managed to improve when 2020 could be described as a “dumpster fire” for many.
A huge, more recent change brought on this year was my Gender Confirmation Top Surgery. Had someone told me last year at this time that I’d be healing from top surgery in a year I would have laughed at them, asked them in what universe and that it would probably never happen for me. I would have been so wrong. I am so thankful that I pushed on, worked hard and got to the point to where I was able to get top surgery as it was very needed. I still have a long way to go with my self-love and acceptance journey but I am working on it and having surgery was a wonderful part of it! I am looking forward to a year from now and seeing how much, even from now, my amazing, new, manly chest is!
There have been so many other things this year that I am thankful for experiencing. I’ve met new people, bonded more with people I have known, tried and experienced different things, seen new places, learned more, been able to help others just like others have helped me. I even recently got discharged from the mental health organization that I had my care/case manager through so I no longer have that, such positive growth! I have grown in so many ways over the past year and I wouldn’t really change much of it. I’d have liked for the world to not be experiencing the pandemic, social, and political unrest and be under a lot of different stress. But, for me, I am glad to have kept on pushing to experience another year in my life that I have been able to learn and grow from.
I am unsure what the next year has in store and I’m not about to jinx anything by guessing. However, I’ll continue to be thankful that I am still around to experience life. This time last year I didn’t think I was going to make it to be 30 years old. I still think how I have lived with the fear of not making it past 30. I am not 31 yet but I at least know that I’m able to live and be thankful for life. I am able to make changes and improve things for myself with hard work and determination. Should my fear come true, should I not see 31, I’d want everyone to know that life is worth it. Life is so worth it. I am happier than I ever have been and wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t pushed on last year and all of this year.
I can’t believe 12 days ago I had my top surgery! I returned to my home yesterday after staying with my Gramma Mary for a little bit over a week while I recovered from surgery and had my first post-operation appointment with the surgeon.
The post-op appointment went well. That was on Thursday, the 10th and I see them again on the 17th. The appointment was pretty quick. She took the pressurized dressing off. I am not sure if she doesn’t use the pressurized dressing very often but she didn’t realize that they have a limited lifespan, the one I had was 8 days. So, it was off for the day before I saw her and when I saw her. She thought I hadn’t charged it but I explained to her it had a limited lifespan. That was interesting. She said that the healing was going well and she was happy with how things were.
I was then stuffed into a surgical vest/binder that feels about 22 sizes too small for me! My chubby belly is a bit chubby for it but it is supposed to be super tight to help with the swelling, chest contouring and healing. It is just super uncomfortable to wear 24/7 except for showering. It hurt more that Thursday night than anytime else during the healing from surgery, even on the day of surgery. That wasn’t pleasant but it has gotten a bit better although still not comfortable. The next month with the binder will be worth it though for the end results!
I was also able to finally take a shower yesterday! That felt so good but it was probably one of the most anxiety filled showers I had ever had as I didn’t want to reach too far up when washing my hair, was worried that I’d scrub too hard on the healing incisions as I was trying to get the stickiness from the tape off of me. I was also worried about washing and the water on the nipple grafts. I am probably one of the few who would worry about all of that. But, after using all the body wipes on the planet and not being able to shower post-surgery, it was so nice to have a shower! Oh, and of course seeing my chest was great and not dreadful like it had been pre-surgery.
Yesterday evening and last night was the first time back at my place to stay since surgery. My kitty isn’t home from her friends until Monday but that’s to give me some time to adjust to being back home. It has been pretty good so far. I had been sleeping on a comfy, reclining couch to help with recovery so being back in my bed I knew would take some adjustment. I ended up taking this big, thick, fluffy Mickey Mouse blanket I have and folding that up and put that on my bed under my pillows so I was able to be propped up some but comfortable enough to get some sleep. I am such a stomach sleeper so it is something to get used to sleeping on my back. Probably in a few weeks I could move to my side. I think it will be a while until I can sleep like I normally do but maybe that isn’t a bad thing as stomach sleeping isn’t supposed to be the best sleeping position. I woke up some during the night but actually slept better than I expected.
On Monday, I should be bringing my kitty home! I am excited about that! I miss my Baby Rainbows. She can keep me up a lot at night and I wanted to adjust to being home before getting her. I am currently waiting on a grocery delivery as I am still not supposed to really carry or lift heavy things or do exercise and bringing groceries up the stairs at my home is some work! If there are any positives about the COVID19 Pandemic and 2020 it would be that things like grocery delivery is getting so much easier and normal which is helpful after my surgery!
I am still so happy and thankful for my Gender Confirming Top Surgery. It is an adjustment as I get used to looking at my body and seeing different shapes and such. I do have quite the belly on me and that has me feeling ultra-fat- have to be honest. Before, the chest helped cover it up some although it has always been there. Instead of being a huge apple, I am now a huge pear. But I am hoping, once I am cleared for exercise and such I can really start working on the belly. I feel a bit more confidence to work out, especially to go to the park or nearby track. But, that is definitely an adjustment I am having to make and come to terms with. I am also trying to determine how my “passing” ability is so far. As someone who is transgender, I probably overthink it more than others but I still think people in public may still be seeing me more as female than male. I could be completely wrong though. I don’t know. It does make it hard for me but it is something I have to work on. My Gramma Mary and I had gone to my post-op appointment on Thursday and then had to run to the local grocery store to pick up a few things and I had to use the restroom and that is definitely still a difficult process for me. Do I come across more and male or female as far as restrooms? I am uncomfortable going into either and not every place has gender neutral, single stall or family restrooms. That would be much better.
Here is to 12 days, being home and adjusting well though! I am looking forward to the journey continuing, not having to wear the surgical binder and continuing the be the person I am meant to be.
It has been 3 days since my Gender Confirmation Surgery and I couldn’t be much happier! Everything has gone so well!
I got to the hospital a little before the 0715 time I was supposed to arrive and checked in. Because of COVID19 the had an entrance for just for those for surgery that had gotten COVID19 testing done which was a requirement before surgery. And because of the virus I was there alone and my Gramma Mary was only able to drop me off and would pick me up after surgery and everything was done. It was a little overwhelming being there by myself. I had a rather unusual lady in the waiting area who wanted to know what surgery I was getting and just offered up that she was getting a hernia repaired and a hysterectomy done. I don’t know why strangers share those sorts of things with me. I think I have a friendly face sometimes, even with a mask on! It was entertaining and helped calm my anxiety down with the humor of being told that by a stranger! Hopefully everything went well for her.
I, along with the lady and one other patient were walked to the pre-op area to our individual “rooms" to get ready. I was never so eager to put on a hospital gown until that moment! I was still nervous but excited, it was happening! I didn’t even mind the silly, yellow hospital socks either! Then I met a handful of different nurses and the anesthesiologist and his assistant. They all told me who they were and what they were doing but I couldn’t tell you what. One nurse hooked up my IV. She used this super cool handheld device that uses near-infrared technology to show the veins on the skin. I found that super cool! I had a small, little patch for nausea put behind my ear. Then the surgeon actually came in to see me, asked if I had any last-minute questions and then marked up my chest for surgery. I tried looking down as she was marking me and managed to get marker on my chin that way! Shortly thereafter the nurses came to bring me to the operating room. I believe I was headed into there around 0845- 0900. I remember as they were rolling me to the operating room being asked if I was a coffee drinker and mentioning I liked ice coffee better. I just Then I remember a nice, cool room possibly being transferee to the operating table and getting all covered up and felt like a burrito!
My Gramma Mary got a call from the nurses that I was out of surgery around noon. Everything went well with it. No complications or anything. I was then headed to recovery. I remember trying to wake up and the view of hospital recovery area being all fuzzy. I kept trying to lift my head to wake up but was too tired. Slowly things started coming into focus. The pain really wasn’t too bad but of course pain medicine was on board. I remember the right side of my chest hurt more than the left. I remember some nurse asking me and letting me know I could have another dose of pain medicine but I didn’t want any. I definitely wanted water as my throat was so dry. Of course, I started with ice chips so I wouldn’t choke. The pain still wasn’t too bad but I did finally take a dose of the hydrocodone when I was transferred from recovery to where I would get ready to go home as the right side still bothered me some. I was there a bit more as my head cleared from the anesthesia and such even more. They gave me my discharge paperwork; they took off the comfy leg compression wraps which help prevent any blood clots during surgery. Those were actually super comfy and I remember telling the nurses that and almost disappointed with them coming off! I was finally clear headed enough to really see my chest, my male chest! Talk about being happy! I also saw the pressurized dressing and the little Prevena Pressurized Dressing machine I’d be carrying around, attached to me instead of drains. I got my handbook on that as well. I finally was able to get dressed and my Gramma Mary was called around 1400 to pick me up.
On Tuesday after getting out of the hospital, we stopped by the local grocery store so I could pick up my antibiotics and the pain medicine the surgeon prescribed. We also picked up a few things like graham crackers, soup, ginger ale and such. We got back to my Gramma Mary’s where I am staying for my recovery around 1600 or so. Through the afternoon and evening I updated everyone on how I was doing. I took some goofy photos but I couldn’t help it. I was so happy!
This is the 2nd day since my surgery and I am still so happy! I have never admired my chest so much! I have never so willing lifted up my shirt to show someone how I looked, not that anyone wants to see my chubby belly. There isn’t too much pain but more pressure than anything. I can’t bend so much, reach too far, obviously can’t lift things but I am just taking it easy. It feels weird to be the one needing help with things rather than the one helping. My neck hurts more than my manly chest! It hurts more around the chest than where the chest is. My throat is pretty sore too from the breathing tube during anesthesia. I’m just glad that overall, the pain isn’t too bad. I was also worried about migraines due to possible stress and anxiety but I’ve been lucky and other than a general headache the day of surgery and after I have been good. Physically all is going well!
I absolutely love the mentality involved surrounding my top surgery. To be here, today, with Gender Confirmation Top Surgery having been done is amazing. It felt so surreal going into the hospital, in the waiting area after checking in, before going into surgery and even after surgery. I remember being like- it is done, everything worked out and went well? I couldn’t believe it actually happened. Top surgery was successful! I am so happy for this to have happened. I got a small wave of uncomfortableness with how visible my chubby belly is without a female chest. Humorously, I had a short talk about how I went from apple shaped to pear shaped but that’s common for males. That made me feel a bit better. I can’t wait until I am cleared for exercise so I can work on the belly and a better physique for myself. I just love how right I feel though. I look at myself and love myself that much more just a few days after surgery. Maybe it is just temporary but my self-esteem feels pretty good right now, I love my chest for the first time and am so grateful that I was able to get my top surgery. Life feels pretty amazing.
In a week I go back to my surgeons office for the one week follow up for my surgery. I’ll probably get the Prevena Pressurized Dressing machine off and I’ll have to wear a chest binder for a number of weeks while my healing continues. The journey will continue then but the biggest part has been done and it was amazing. So thankful for life right now. I think about where I was a year ago and where I am today and it is just mind blowing! I can’t thank so many people for all the support through this journey too. Here’s to a bright future and continued journey.
I wrote this yesterday and wanted to upload it here. It's raw and exposes what I feel so often. The chances that someone really reads t...
