...I Trust Life...

 “I forgive it all. What has happened has been so, and there is no other way I could have or should have let it be. And so, I let it go and I let life be as it is. I forgive the people, I forgive the situation, and I forgive myself. I trust life and I am safe” – Jennifer Williamson, healingbrave.com

I have a self made bullet type journal that I do a morning and evening entry in for each day, especially when my mental health needs some attention. It helps me begin and end the day with some positives and gratitude. I also do some sort of morning and night affirmation, inspiration or quote. The quote you read above was the one I stumbled upon and used last night for my quote.

This quote not only touched on what my therapy session centered on yesterday but also so many different big, and small moments in my whole life. It has also been a topic, or related to a topic that has come up in recent weeks.

There have been things in my life- from my Gramma getting sick and me taking care of her, to being in different positions where I had to take on more responsibility than I’d have liked, to different traumas, to just different events throughout my life where I’ve held onto so many feelings and emotions, ideas and beliefs. Some of those are anger, resentment, guilt, sadness, and the timeless: whys.

Associated with traumas and negative experiences, the topic of confronting people about certain situations and telling them how it has impacted me has come up multiple times. But, that isn’t something I am necessarily comfortable with and I don’t believe is the way to heal from things. If anything, I feel like more negativity and trauma could ensue. That isn’t the path for me. Forgiveness is also hard although freeing for ones self. But, that quote. It struck me.

Not only are there the people involved in some situations but there is always you and your own experience, actions, feelings, and so forth. There is also just the situation in itself. Why am I going to keep holding onto negative thoughts, beliefs and ideas about an event, a situation when there is so much more to things. Traumatic events could have occurred at a certain location but that doesn’t mean I need to hang onto anything negative about a location. It is just a location. On another day, that location could bring fourth positivity. The same line of thought can be used for different situations. There is also that humans just lack the ability to control certain situations so why should be hang onto all of them?

No, I am not at the point where I am just able to let go of things so freely, I am not always able to forgive or able to fully forgive without holding one some things. I don’t always forgive myself but I can be nicer to myself. It can be hard to just let things be as they are. But, when all those things come together, there is a bit of peace that comes through. When I read that quote, I can feel the forgiveness, the letting go, the letting things be and the DBT skill of radical acceptance wash over me. I can feel trust in life and that I am safe. I’m not completely there but just being open, letting that peace in as the negative flows out, is a wonderful feeling.

Nobody Really Gets It

As much as people say they get it, unless you deal with the crippling effects of mental illness on a daily basis, I am not sure they really do get it. Also, everyone has different experiences… what I go through isn’t what someone else with mental illness goes through. So, sometimes, it is like nobody gets it.

I don’t necessarily want people to get it, to understand it either. Mental Illness sucks so much. I hate it. I know it sounds weird or horrible but sometimes I wish I had some other ailment that could just be treated or would take me out in a different way than mental illness.

People seem to think I am doing well. And I am. But I’m not at the same time. They don’t get it and I don’t necessarily want them to get it. I don’t want them to understand and get that even when I am okay, the overwhelming desire and thoughts and images of self injury and ending my life careen through the dark shadows of my mind into the forefront and overtake me. I have to fight so hard to not “lose it”, not to pick up some blade, use that lighter so hurt myself so nobody could see, to not take that bottle of pills. And, what hurts, is that, in that moment, I don’t necessarily even know why I am flooded with such darkness. Why do I feel so sad that I can’t help but cry these tears? Why would I want to hurt myself or take my life?

The depression that just hits out of nowhere, anytime. Sometimes I’ve had people say they understand depression, they have days they are depressed. But, again, they don’t necessarily get it. I can function, take care of myself and my home, put on a good face, answer texts and messages, do whatever work needs to be done, go to any appointments, live life like nothing is wrong but the whole time I am doing all of it, internally I am screaming, just waiting to get away from everyone and everything, to find peace somewhere within the turmoil that is consuming me. Crying. Isolating. Irritability. Sadness. Anger. Numbness. It is all part of the overwhelming depression that feels like it is permanently attached to you, holding you down, that nobody gets and makes you just want to run away from the world forever and ever.

Anxiety doesn’t help either. I can literally have my anxiety levels spike just by hearing people walk in the hallways at my apartment building. I don’t think anyone gets that. I don’t even get it myself most of the time. Not only is the pandemic that is still going on in the world negativity effecting my own anxiety, but also others so it just doubles that. I don’t want to go places really. Having to go to new places only spikes the social anxiety on top of the general anxiety. Goodness help if I have a hard time because that just reinforces the anxiety. And it is always there. I’d like to just feel a calmness of some sort but I’m not sure if I’d know what that even feels like.

I’m just so tired if it…of mental illness…the depression and anxiety. Nobody gets it. Yes, some people do get it but at the same time…nobody gets it. I’m struggling and I’m not sure if anyone really gets that. I know that I’ll turn off the lights tonight and go to sleep to face another day tomorrow because I’ve always had that “I have to” mentality as much as I don’t want to but that’s how I roll. I also know that at any moment, it will all come back and consume me again, the same darkness. The depression. The anxiety. The mental illness that nobody gets even though we all try so fucking hard to because even those that deal with it every fucking second of every fucking day just don’t fucking get it either. I don’t fucking get it. I just know I fucking hate it.

National Coming Out Day

 “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  -Anais Nin

Today is National Coming Out Day. I still have hope that one day, people will be so open and accepting, not sticking so many labels on everyone to the point where there wouldn't necessarily have to be a National Coming Out Day, that we can just be the person we are without worrying about judgement or our safety.

 

I didn't initially come out as any LGBT term but at 15-17 I was just done trying to hide whatever part of me was there. I didn't feel safe to admit I was part of the LGBT community all that much because of some homophobia that was around me. Thankfully just being me, although not necessarily coming out, people seemed to understand and were accepting. But, I faced challenges, I still felt uncomfortable with myself. I never used the word "lesbian" on myself. I went along with a slight makeover to be more girly. I tried to fit into some perceived box while still trying to be myself at the same time. It worked but it also didn't. 

 

I will always remember watching a 20/20 episode when I was around 17yrs old, staying up after everyone had gone to bed, and it was about Transgender Children and it just hit me at my very core- I felt and understood how they felt. But, I stuffed that away for years- trying to be what I thought everyone wanted, the world wanted. While going to college I attended a class called "Human Sexuality" which had a segment on gender. Once again, I found myself emotional, crying on the way home from class, as I could identify so well with what we were discussing in class but couldn't be that person.

 

Finally, in 2016, after telling my immediate family, I came out as Transgender on Facebook. I couldn't keep hiding from my own truth, being miserable trying to be what I wasn't. I am not a female even though I was born biologically female. I am male. My brain is male. My body is a bit misaligned but I am working on that. I am a Transgender Male and I am glad I can speak that freely now.

 

I will admit, I do have my struggles still. Seeing transphobic posts on social media, the constant misgendering I deal with on a daily basis, dysphoria, and the list goes on but I wouldn't ever go back. I am glad I am out. I am happy to be the T part of the LGBT Community, to be Transgender.

 

I hope that others who are struggling to be themselves in any way can come out and be who they are. Whether today, tomorrow, next month, next year. I hope they can hear National Coming Out Day and be proud and happy they are out and not hiding still. 

 

The world has a long ways to go as far as being accepting and open, not placing people in boxes and just letting everyone be themselves but hopefully each day is a step in the right direction!

 

Happy National Coming Out Day to everyone- those who are out and those who aren't and extra strength to those who aren't and wish they could be.

Crazy Tonight

I am not sure what this blog post will be about, if it is even going to be a coherent, put together post. Sometimes I just feel the need to write, get out things that are stirring around in my head and that is where I am at right now. Just going a bit crazy.

My depression is bothering me tonight. I am exhausted- more mentally than physically. My anxiety, as my favorite quote goes, “is punching me in the face”. My energy level is battery dead right now too- not totally sure how my brain is functioning to even type this up but I’m not entirely sure what else to do right now. I feel like crying, I feel like I am a toddler on the verge of a temper-tantrum, and I have no idea why.

When I feel like I do right now, I try to pick apart why I am feeling the way I am. I figure if I am going to be able to figure out a way to feel better, I should start there. Falling into a dark, depressed black hole of doom isn’t exactly something I like, and I can just feel that happening. To be honest- that depression is making me want to delete all I have typed up so far as I feel stupid, and annoyed and like this is pointless. I want to scream, and cry, toss my laptop across the room. These are the moments where I feel like I am going crazy for no reason. I feel all alone and incredibly sad. And I don’t even know why. I am sure there are reasons, but my brain is telling me I feel like shit for no reason.

I am trying to just maintain my composure, not cry and give myself a headache or migraine for no reason. This week has been very up and down with both highs and lows. With my moods being positive and happy and okay and then my moods being low, to where I am struggling to maintain my composure. Sometimes it feels like my life, my brain and emotions are just living on a rollercoaster. I’d like to maintain an even, consistent wavelength in life and mood but nope- mine goes up and down and through those loopty loops that make you nauseated! Tons of loopty loops. And I do not like rollercoasters, they scare me so much!

I’ve had an average week, but I just think the lows are getting to me more than they normally would. I had a few upsetting and some uncomfortable moments Tuesday and Friday. My Wednesday was really good. My mind hasn’t been able to shut off at nights though which have led to me taking 12hrs just to get maybe 6hrs of sleep. That’s a bit annoying. PTSD nightmares have plagued me this week- unresolved issues that I am unsure how to process and I don't think people realize how vivid these nightmares are for me and how difficult they are to deal with. Just me going crazy there as well.

I just hate how I am feeling right now. Okay one moment and ready to let a truck plow me down the next. I feel too warm even with the fan on, my glasses are annoying me when they get a bit dirty with little specks, but I can’t get them clean enough. I’m anxious about an upcoming appointment. Things are weighing heavily on me right now. But… I am trying. I am keeping the bigger picture in mind- that as much as this week has had some hard moments, it has also had some good ones. I have my kitty with me which warms my heart, I’m looking forward to football tomorrow, I was able to use today to recuperate some. I still feel like a temper-tantrum is creeping up and I can feel that dark cloud over me, the darkness trying to swallow me up, but I won’t let it. I can tell it might not be the best night for me, that I need to try some more things to keep my head on right but that is part of mental health, mental wellness. I may feel frustrated, defeated, be having tons of sensory issues going on, and the list goes on, but I have to try.

Looking at this blog post, it doesn’t make a bunch of sense and is just me barfing out onto the page. I am unsure how I will feel once I post this rambling, but it is real for me. It is me. I feel like I am going crazy tonight.