Crazy Tonight

I am not sure what this blog post will be about, if it is even going to be a coherent, put together post. Sometimes I just feel the need to write, get out things that are stirring around in my head and that is where I am at right now. Just going a bit crazy.

My depression is bothering me tonight. I am exhausted- more mentally than physically. My anxiety, as my favorite quote goes, “is punching me in the face”. My energy level is battery dead right now too- not totally sure how my brain is functioning to even type this up but I’m not entirely sure what else to do right now. I feel like crying, I feel like I am a toddler on the verge of a temper-tantrum, and I have no idea why.

When I feel like I do right now, I try to pick apart why I am feeling the way I am. I figure if I am going to be able to figure out a way to feel better, I should start there. Falling into a dark, depressed black hole of doom isn’t exactly something I like, and I can just feel that happening. To be honest- that depression is making me want to delete all I have typed up so far as I feel stupid, and annoyed and like this is pointless. I want to scream, and cry, toss my laptop across the room. These are the moments where I feel like I am going crazy for no reason. I feel all alone and incredibly sad. And I don’t even know why. I am sure there are reasons, but my brain is telling me I feel like shit for no reason.

I am trying to just maintain my composure, not cry and give myself a headache or migraine for no reason. This week has been very up and down with both highs and lows. With my moods being positive and happy and okay and then my moods being low, to where I am struggling to maintain my composure. Sometimes it feels like my life, my brain and emotions are just living on a rollercoaster. I’d like to maintain an even, consistent wavelength in life and mood but nope- mine goes up and down and through those loopty loops that make you nauseated! Tons of loopty loops. And I do not like rollercoasters, they scare me so much!

I’ve had an average week, but I just think the lows are getting to me more than they normally would. I had a few upsetting and some uncomfortable moments Tuesday and Friday. My Wednesday was really good. My mind hasn’t been able to shut off at nights though which have led to me taking 12hrs just to get maybe 6hrs of sleep. That’s a bit annoying. PTSD nightmares have plagued me this week- unresolved issues that I am unsure how to process and I don't think people realize how vivid these nightmares are for me and how difficult they are to deal with. Just me going crazy there as well.

I just hate how I am feeling right now. Okay one moment and ready to let a truck plow me down the next. I feel too warm even with the fan on, my glasses are annoying me when they get a bit dirty with little specks, but I can’t get them clean enough. I’m anxious about an upcoming appointment. Things are weighing heavily on me right now. But… I am trying. I am keeping the bigger picture in mind- that as much as this week has had some hard moments, it has also had some good ones. I have my kitty with me which warms my heart, I’m looking forward to football tomorrow, I was able to use today to recuperate some. I still feel like a temper-tantrum is creeping up and I can feel that dark cloud over me, the darkness trying to swallow me up, but I won’t let it. I can tell it might not be the best night for me, that I need to try some more things to keep my head on right but that is part of mental health, mental wellness. I may feel frustrated, defeated, be having tons of sensory issues going on, and the list goes on, but I have to try.

Looking at this blog post, it doesn’t make a bunch of sense and is just me barfing out onto the page. I am unsure how I will feel once I post this rambling, but it is real for me. It is me. I feel like I am going crazy tonight.