Looking Back

There are only 5 days left of the year 2020. A lot has changed and happened in the last 360 days. I think back to this time last year and I am just like..”Wow!”

Last year at this time I was homeless, living in a shelter through the organization that I had my care/case manager through. I was less than a month out of the hospital from a very serious, near death, suicide attempt. I was severely depressed, struggling to live each day, not knowing where I was going to end up over the next few months. I didn’t think I was going to make it to my 30th birthday in January. My anxiety was terrible, my PTSD was terrible, multiple other mental illnesses were weighing heavily on me and I didn’t think there was any hope. I tried to put on a good face though but was so deep in a hole and struggling. 

So much has changed in the last year though.

I went from being homeless, stressed about where I was going to be living to getting my very own place. Just me and my cat, no roommates for the first time. I was scared about this. Happy to be back with my cat that a friend had been watching but so scared to be going into my own place, all by myself. Sounds silly as a 30 yr old but I was. Now, I can’t imagine going back to having a roommate! I found the perfect place and over time I have made it into the best bachelor pad I could imagine. It is the first place I have lived that I truly love and feel at home in. I’m not worried about roommates or landlords, I might have some unusual neighbors but that I can deal with. For once I am proud when people come by and see my place. I am ever so thankful and happy with my home.

After moving in March, a lot started happening with the pandemic, COVID19, hitting and things shutting down, masks started to be required, everyone was anxious and weird and moody, my different appointments went virtual. Life was throwing us all so many things at once. My already existing and worsening social anxiety definitely spiked with everything. However, with all the craziness with the pandemic, and the social unrest that was also happening in the country, I actually grew and really started my journey to where I am today.

For me, 2020 brought a bit of a fresh start. Not only with moving to my own place but also my mental health. From this time last year, the beginning of 2020, to now has almost been a complete and total change- for the better! My disability got approved, which as much as I miss working and hate admitting I am on disability, it is what was needed then and still needed for the time being. It has given me a steady income compared to when my finances were troubled due to getting hospitalized and being in and out of work due to mental health (80+ hour work weeks will literally make you go insane). 

With a stable home and finances, I was able to focus on my mental health. I needed to. I knew I wasn’t going to survive continuing on the path I was. Being in such a deep, dark hole sucked. I really started to put in the work to get better. I didn’t want to, there were a lot of moments where I still wanted to give up but I knew those were the moments that I had to step up even more for myself and make the commitment to making my life better even more. I took worksheets and workbooks that I’d gotten from different mental health hospitalizations and went to work on them. I created my own worksheets, I journaled, created a bullet journal, working on the positivity, thankfulness and gratitude. I created vision boards, I put in more work between therapy sessions than I ever had before, working on the negative cognitions and rewiring my brain. I made and continue to make lifestyle adjustments. I did a lot, and still continue to as I have to keep up because the work for mental wellness just doesn’t end for someone like me (that itself was a huge learning experience in my mental wellness, radical acceptance of this lifelong journey). I know I still have work to do, I know I will always have to work and work harder than others to be okay and I am okay (for the most part) with that. I look back from where I am now and this time last year and I am amazed and blown away and also thankful that I’ve managed to improve when 2020 could be described as a “dumpster fire” for many.

A huge, more recent change brought on this year was my Gender Confirmation Top Surgery. Had someone told me last year at this time that I’d be healing from top surgery in a year I would have laughed at them, asked them in what universe and that it would probably never happen for me. I would have been so wrong. I am so thankful that I pushed on, worked hard and got to the point to where I was able to get top surgery as it was very needed. I still have a long way to go with my self-love and acceptance journey but I am working on it and having surgery was a wonderful part of it! I am looking forward to a year from now and seeing how much, even from now, my amazing, new, manly chest is!

There have been so many other things this year that I am thankful for experiencing. I’ve met new people, bonded more with people I have known, tried and experienced different things, seen new places, learned more, been able to help others just like others have helped me. I even recently got discharged from the mental health organization that I had my care/case manager through so I no longer have that, such positive growth! I have grown in so many ways over the past year and I wouldn’t really change much of it. I’d have liked for the world to not be experiencing the pandemic, social, and political unrest and be under a lot of different stress. But, for me, I am glad to have kept on pushing to experience another year in my life that I have been able to learn and grow from. 

I am unsure what the next year has in store and I’m not about to jinx anything by guessing. However, I’ll continue to be thankful that I am still around to experience life. This time last year I didn’t think I was going to make it to be 30 years old. I still think how I have lived with the fear of not making it past 30. I am not 31 yet but I at least know that I’m able to live and be thankful for life. I am able to make changes and improve things for myself with hard work and determination. Should my fear come true, should I not see 31, I’d want everyone to know that life is worth it. Life is so worth it. I am happier than I ever have been and wouldn’t be here today if I hadn’t pushed on last year and all of this year.

Gender Confirmation Top Surgery: The Journey: Part Three: Post-Op and Coming Home

I can’t believe 12 days ago I had my top surgery! I returned to my home yesterday after staying with my Gramma Mary for a little bit over a week while I recovered from surgery and had my first post-operation appointment with the surgeon. 

The post-op appointment went well. That was on Thursday, the 10th and I see them again on the 17th. The appointment was pretty quick. She took the pressurized dressing off. I am not sure if she doesn’t use the pressurized dressing very often but she didn’t realize that they have a limited lifespan, the one I had was 8 days. So, it was off for the day before I saw her and when I saw her. She thought I hadn’t charged it but I explained to her it had a limited lifespan. That was interesting. She said that the healing was going well and she was happy with how things were. 

I was then stuffed into a surgical vest/binder that feels about 22 sizes too small for me! My chubby belly is a bit chubby for it but it is supposed to be super tight to help with the swelling, chest contouring and healing. It is just super uncomfortable to wear 24/7 except for showering. It hurt more that Thursday night than anytime else during the healing from surgery, even on the day of surgery. That wasn’t pleasant but it has gotten a bit better although still not comfortable. The next month with the binder will be worth it though for the end results!

I was also able to finally take a shower yesterday! That felt so good but it was probably one of the most anxiety filled showers I had ever had as I didn’t want to reach too far up when washing my hair, was worried that I’d scrub too hard on the healing incisions as I was trying to get the stickiness from the tape off of me. I was also worried about washing and the water on the nipple grafts. I am probably one of the few who would worry about all of that. But, after using all the body wipes on the planet and not being able to shower post-surgery, it was so nice to have a shower! Oh, and of course seeing my chest was great and not dreadful like it had been pre-surgery.

Yesterday evening and last night was the first time back at my place to stay since surgery. My kitty isn’t home from her friends until Monday but that’s to give me some time to adjust to being back home. It has been pretty good so far. I had been sleeping on a comfy, reclining couch to help with recovery so being back in my bed I knew would take some adjustment. I ended up taking this big, thick, fluffy Mickey Mouse blanket I have and folding that up and put that on my bed under my pillows so I was able to be propped up some but comfortable enough to get some sleep. I am such a stomach sleeper so it is something to get used to sleeping on my back. Probably in a few weeks I could move to my side. I think it will be a while until I can sleep like I normally do but maybe that isn’t a bad thing as stomach sleeping isn’t supposed to be the best sleeping position. I woke up some during the night but actually slept better than I expected.

On Monday, I should be bringing my kitty home! I am excited about that! I miss my Baby Rainbows. She can keep me up a lot at night and I wanted to adjust to being home before getting her. I am currently waiting on a grocery delivery as I am still not supposed to really carry or lift heavy things or do exercise and bringing groceries up the stairs at my home is some work! If there are any positives about the COVID19 Pandemic and 2020 it would be that things like grocery delivery is getting so much easier and normal which is helpful after my surgery! 

I am still so happy and thankful for my Gender Confirming Top Surgery. It is an adjustment as I get used to looking at my body and seeing different shapes and such. I do have quite the belly on me and that has me feeling ultra-fat- have to be honest. Before, the chest helped cover it up some although it has always been there. Instead of being a huge apple, I am now a huge pear. But I am hoping, once I am cleared for exercise and such I can really start working on the belly. I feel a bit more confidence to work out, especially to go to the park or nearby track. But, that is definitely an adjustment I am having to make and come to terms with. I am also trying to determine how my “passing” ability is so far. As someone who is transgender, I probably overthink it more than others but I still think people in public may still be seeing me more as female than male. I could be completely wrong though. I don’t know. It does make it hard for me but it is something I have to work on. My Gramma Mary and I had gone to my post-op appointment on Thursday and then had to run to the local grocery store to pick up a few things and I had to use the restroom and that is definitely still a difficult process for me. Do I come across more and male or female as far as restrooms? I am uncomfortable going into either and not every place has gender neutral, single stall or family restrooms. That would be much better.

Here is to 12 days, being home and adjusting well though! I am looking forward to the journey continuing, not having to wear the surgical binder and continuing the be the person I am meant to be. 

Gender Confirmation Top Surgery: The Journey: Part Two: Surgery And Some Recovery

It has been 3 days since my Gender Confirmation Surgery and I couldn’t be much happier! Everything has gone so well!

I got to the hospital  a little before the 0715 time I was supposed  to arrive and checked in. Because of COVID19 the had an entrance for just for those for surgery that had gotten COVID19 testing done which was a requirement before surgery. And because of the virus I was there alone and my Gramma Mary was only able to drop me off and would pick me up after surgery and everything was done. It was a little overwhelming being there by myself. I had a rather unusual lady in the waiting area who wanted to know what surgery I was getting and just offered up that she was getting a hernia repaired and a hysterectomy done. I don’t know why strangers share those sorts of things with me. I think I have a friendly face sometimes, even with a mask on! It was entertaining and helped calm my anxiety down with the humor of being told that by a stranger! Hopefully everything went well for her.

I, along with the lady and one other patient were walked to the pre-op area to our individual “rooms" to get ready. I was never so eager to put on a hospital gown until that moment! I was still nervous but excited, it was happening! I didn’t even mind the silly, yellow hospital socks either! Then I met a handful of different nurses and the anesthesiologist and his assistant. They all told me who they were and what they were doing but I couldn’t tell you what. One nurse hooked up my IV. She used this super cool handheld device that uses near-infrared technology  to show the veins on the skin. I found that super cool! I had a small, little patch for nausea put behind my ear.  Then the surgeon actually came in to see me, asked if I had any last-minute questions and then marked up my chest for surgery. I tried looking down as she was marking me and managed to get marker on my chin that way! Shortly thereafter the nurses came to bring me to the operating room. I believe I was headed into there around 0845- 0900. I remember as they were rolling me to the operating room being asked if I was a coffee drinker and mentioning I liked ice coffee better. I just  Then I remember a nice, cool room possibly being transferee to the operating table and getting all covered up and felt like a burrito! 

My Gramma Mary got a call from the nurses that I was out of surgery around noon. Everything went well with it. No complications or anything. I was then headed to recovery. I remember trying to wake up and the view of hospital recovery area being all fuzzy. I kept trying to lift my head to wake up but was too tired. Slowly things started coming into focus. The pain really wasn’t too bad but of course pain medicine was on board. I remember the right side of my chest hurt more than the left. I remember some nurse asking me and letting me know I could have another dose of pain medicine but I didn’t want any. I definitely wanted water as my throat was so dry. Of course, I started with ice chips so I wouldn’t choke. The pain still wasn’t too bad but I did finally take a dose of the hydrocodone when I was transferred from recovery to where I would get ready to go home as the right side still bothered me some. I was there a bit more as my head cleared from the anesthesia and such even more. They gave me my discharge paperwork; they took off the comfy leg compression wraps which help prevent any blood clots during surgery. Those were actually super comfy and I remember telling the nurses that and almost disappointed with them coming off! I was finally clear headed enough to really see my chest, my male chest! Talk about being happy! I also saw the pressurized dressing and the little Prevena Pressurized Dressing machine I’d be carrying around, attached to me instead of drains. I got my handbook on that as well. I finally was able to get dressed and my Gramma Mary was called around 1400 to pick me up. 

On Tuesday after getting out of the hospital, we stopped by the local grocery store so I could pick up my antibiotics and the pain medicine the surgeon prescribed. We also picked up a few things like graham crackers, soup, ginger ale and such. We got back to my Gramma Mary’s where I am staying for my recovery around 1600 or so. Through the afternoon and evening I updated everyone on how I was doing. I took some goofy photos but I couldn’t help it. I was so happy!

This is the 2nd day since my surgery and I am still so happy! I have never admired my chest so much! I have never so willing lifted up my shirt to show someone how I looked, not that anyone wants to see my chubby belly. There isn’t too much pain but more pressure than anything. I can’t bend so much, reach too far, obviously can’t lift things but I am just taking it easy. It feels weird to be the one needing help with things rather than the one helping. My neck hurts more than my manly chest! It hurts more around the chest than where the chest is. My throat is pretty sore too from the breathing tube during anesthesia. I’m just glad that overall, the pain isn’t too bad. I was also worried about migraines due to possible stress and anxiety but I’ve been lucky and other than a general headache the day of surgery and after I have been good. Physically all is going well!

I absolutely love the mentality involved surrounding my top surgery. To be here, today, with Gender Confirmation Top Surgery having been done is amazing. It felt so surreal going into the hospital, in the waiting area after checking in, before going into surgery and even after surgery. I remember being like- it is done, everything worked out and went well? I couldn’t believe it actually happened. Top surgery was successful! I am so happy for this to have happened. I got a small wave of uncomfortableness with how visible my chubby belly is without a female chest. Humorously, I had a short talk about how I went from apple shaped to pear shaped but that’s common for males. That made me feel a bit better. I can’t wait until I am cleared for exercise so I can work on the belly and a better physique for myself. I just love how right I feel though. I look at myself and love myself that much more just a few days after surgery. Maybe it is just temporary but my self-esteem feels pretty good right now, I love my chest for the first time and am so grateful that I was able to get my top surgery. Life feels pretty amazing. 

In a week I go back to my surgeons office for the one week follow up for my surgery. I’ll probably get the Prevena Pressurized Dressing machine off and I’ll have to wear a chest binder for a number of weeks while my healing continues. The journey will continue then but the biggest part has been done and it was amazing. So thankful for life right now. I think about where I was a year ago and where I am today and it is just mind blowing! I can’t thank so many people for all the support through this journey too. Here’s to a bright future and continued journey.