Normally for today I have some sort of video I may have put together or a writing piece that I had worked on. But, I don't have anything like that this year. What I do have is a heart and head filled with both positives and negatives- love, happiness and joy but also sadness, anger and loss. I can't deny the yucky feelings but I can also find comfort in the things that warm me up inside and help put a smile on my face through the tears.
I've been struggling some lately, I mean, who hasn't?! Even the seemingly most "put together" people have been impacted as the world has been impacted by a pandemic for the last year and it still continues to be. A pandemic on top of general life stressors and changes, already present struggles, mental health, physical health, life's ups and downs... It all adds up and effects us all in one way or another.
Not only is it the 15th anniversary of my Gramma's passing (and everything tied to her) but there have also been other losses, triggers, and struggles lately. I've been dealing with some personal crises. As someone who already lives with mulitiple mental illnesses, I feel so close to the edge, a gentle breeze could easily send me tumbling over that edge.
But, as much as a dark cloud hangs over me- I am still here. I woke up today. I opened my curtains and let the light from the world in. I can see the beauty in the cold, damp, snow. I have my amazing kitty that helps me stay alive every day and always puts a smile on my face. I'm thankful for my friends, loved ones, and others that support me, love and and are there for me. I'll be cooking up a brownie mix sometime today as a positive way to remember my Gramma.
Honestly... life is hard. Shitty. Unfair. Cruel. Disappointing. But... it can also be really good. Amazing. Beautiful. Joyous. Surprising. It may be difficult but we must find a balance of both the negatives and positives of life.
Just like the world is always working on that balance, I am working on my balance today and hope that my Gramma, wherever her soul may be, can see that I am trying. I know I haven't always made the best decisions, have struggled, but I am still working on making her proud of who I am. And look: I ended up with a piece of writing to share today!
I love you Gramma. Forever and for always, gone but never forgotten. 10/13/1930- 2/19/2006
