As much as people say they get it, unless you deal with the crippling effects of mental illness on a daily basis, I am not sure they really do get it. Also, everyone has different experiences… what I go through isn’t what someone else with mental illness goes through. So, sometimes, it is like nobody gets it.
I don’t necessarily want people to get it, to understand it either. Mental Illness sucks so much. I hate it. I know it sounds weird or horrible but sometimes I wish I had some other ailment that could just be treated or would take me out in a different way than mental illness.
People seem to think I am doing well. And I am. But I’m not at the same time. They don’t get it and I don’t necessarily want them to get it. I don’t want them to understand and get that even when I am okay, the overwhelming desire and thoughts and images of self injury and ending my life careen through the dark shadows of my mind into the forefront and overtake me. I have to fight so hard to not “lose it”, not to pick up some blade, use that lighter so hurt myself so nobody could see, to not take that bottle of pills. And, what hurts, is that, in that moment, I don’t necessarily even know why I am flooded with such darkness. Why do I feel so sad that I can’t help but cry these tears? Why would I want to hurt myself or take my life?
The depression that just hits out of nowhere, anytime. Sometimes I’ve had people say they understand depression, they have days they are depressed. But, again, they don’t necessarily get it. I can function, take care of myself and my home, put on a good face, answer texts and messages, do whatever work needs to be done, go to any appointments, live life like nothing is wrong but the whole time I am doing all of it, internally I am screaming, just waiting to get away from everyone and everything, to find peace somewhere within the turmoil that is consuming me. Crying. Isolating. Irritability. Sadness. Anger. Numbness. It is all part of the overwhelming depression that feels like it is permanently attached to you, holding you down, that nobody gets and makes you just want to run away from the world forever and ever.
Anxiety doesn’t help either. I can literally have my anxiety levels spike just by hearing people walk in the hallways at my apartment building. I don’t think anyone gets that. I don’t even get it myself most of the time. Not only is the pandemic that is still going on in the world negativity effecting my own anxiety, but also others so it just doubles that. I don’t want to go places really. Having to go to new places only spikes the social anxiety on top of the general anxiety. Goodness help if I have a hard time because that just reinforces the anxiety. And it is always there. I’d like to just feel a calmness of some sort but I’m not sure if I’d know what that even feels like.
I’m just so tired if it…of mental illness…the depression and anxiety. Nobody gets it. Yes, some people do get it but at the same time…nobody gets it. I’m struggling and I’m not sure if anyone really gets that. I know that I’ll turn off the lights tonight and go to sleep to face another day tomorrow because I’ve always had that “I have to” mentality as much as I don’t want to but that’s how I roll. I also know that at any moment, it will all come back and consume me again, the same darkness. The depression. The anxiety. The mental illness that nobody gets even though we all try so fucking hard to because even those that deal with it every fucking second of every fucking day just don’t fucking get it either. I don’t fucking get it. I just know I fucking hate it.
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