Today Is Not My Day

7/23/2020

Today is not my day

I didn’t start this blog to have every blog post centered around Mental Health, but it is a good place for it and for me to express myself.

Yesterday was really good and I was able to see some people I hadn’t seen in quite some time. I texted another person last night saying not to be worried if I didn’t text them because I was probably sleeping in. Nothing wrong with that.

It is now 1700 (5pm for those who don’t do 24hr time) and I have been isolating today, I texted my therapist back a few times but not much else. I haven’t been able to eat anything, I think someone may have knocked on my door to my apartment earlier, but I went deadly silent, my anxiety spiked, and I refused to answer the door. I haven’t even opened my curtains which is pretty much a part of my morning routine unless a migraine or headache strikes. I keep thinking of maybe going out somewhere, maybe to a local park or even walk to the nearby convenience store, but my anxiety is paralyzing. I keep telling myself I should get something to eat but my disordered eating is getting in the way.

I want to cry. I am sad. I am anxious. I want to scream because I hate how mental illness has such a grasp on me and my life. Knowing I, in one way or another, will have to live with mental illness for the entirety of my life gets me so upset. I truly hate it. I can feel the tears in my eyes just typing that up and that, right there, is my reality.

Today just isn’t my day.

But maybe tomorrow will be. I keep trying, keep pushing on, trying to be positive and have a bright outlook because to surrender to the darkness isn’t an option for me. I have been there, and I refuse to go back. My curtains will probably remain closed, but I’ll try and message a friend in a bit, hopefully I can get myself to eat something. Maybe later I will try and paint for a project I am working on. I will keep trying. Maybe tonight will be better than the day has been.

 Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.